Saturday, December 5, 2020

Finding Your Voice . . . or Why You Never Fail Until You Stop Trying

Take ten of your favorite writers' newest novels unread, close your eyes and scatter their books upon the floor in front of you, then without looking pick one at random and open it somewhere, anywhere, so long as you have no idea which writer's novel you choose.
Now read.
And I guarantee you'll know through your tingling Spidey Sense within a few paragraphs if not a few sentences the specific writer's novel you're sampling in your grubby hands.
Because all great writers have found their Voice.
That tasty personal mystery every writer aspires to decipher which separates their intimate narrating wheat from among the mediocre recounting chaff.
No writer 'just finds' their Voice because they've spent a specific number of years writing, or they graduated from Waste-of-Time-and-Money College and own an expensive degree they've paid tens of thousands for declaring them academically brilliant.
Knowledge is power, yes, but wisdom is capability. And the honest triumph of life is you only realize this truth not taught in school but through age because real world experience is the best of all teachers.
If you required heart surgery, would you choose the doctor who spent twenty years in college memorizing every medical textbook but has never performed a single operation, or the doctor with four years of medical school though also has a hundred successful heart surgeries under his or her belt?
Exactly.
Because living life matters.
Remember that the next time your car throws a rod and it comes time to tip the 'dumb' greasemonkey who shirked an expensive education for hands-on garage apprenticeship.
A lot of writers spend their entire lives hunting their elusive Voice. And a lot of writers flounder because they continue relying on everything taught them in school.
Never start a sentence with And or But.
Fragment sentences are bad.
Never end a sentence with a preposition.
Blah blah blah.
“Shut up, Mrs. Shilling! I got it, I got it! I before E except after I shove the C up your nagging butt!”
Sorry.
Eighth Grade flashback.
Too much Black Pyramid in my teens.
Anywho . . . we've had endless grammar rules pounded into our heads since elementary school English, and I'm here to tell you that all of them are obstacles to finding your Voice.
Don't forget the rules, just shelve them while making choice breaks.
Writers without Voice write while concentrating on grammar and facts relevant to the story and the characters involved.
Writers with Voice write without concentrating at all because their Voice is natural, like breathing or blinking, and simply . . . is.
Stop fixating on the beat of your heart and instead focus on the flow of your blood. Relax, and go with the . . . well, flow.
Voice isn't plot or structure or character or how well you can describe them. Voice is passion, and not just passion but your unique twist of it.
Think of an excited child who rushes their parent and in breathless fashion tries to relay a story in all its astonishing details. The parent knows the story is trivial, but to the rejoicing child the story exists as the most wondrous event imaginable. And they practically sweat passion while they stammer and stutter it out.
“Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! This frog, it was big and green and slimy and-and-and I was chasing it while it hopped at the pond to get away and-and-and I almost grabbed it when this bird it squawked real loud then-and-and then . . .”
Passionate painters don't just brush colors to canvas, they bleed their emotions.
Passionate singers don't just shout their songs, they breathe their ballads.
Passionate poets don't just recite their words, they cry loose the burning yearning in their souls.
And passionate writers don't just chronicle fictitious events, we revel in imagination while expressing glorious triumphs and excruciating tragedies of the human spirit.
Writing is art. And the entire point of art is to inspire emotion, to feel—something, anything!
Love.
Hate.
Joy.
Sorrow.
Jealousy.
Doesn't matter.
You know your writing is boring bunk if it elicits no emotional reaction.
Bad writers provoke apathy.
Good writers evoke sympathy.
Great writers inspire empathy.
It really is as simple as that.
Perfect example: when I read a Stephen King novel I feel as if I'm sitting there while he's beside me describing it all through firsthand account. Steve doesn't get all the words 'perfect' or 'right' and that's okay, because he's engaging, and that's what matters most. Stephen King isn't great because he's the 'best' writer (opinions vary, mine among them), he's great because his writing proves intimate and conversational, sometimes calm, sometimes excited, with fluctuating degrees between. But most important it grips me by the fluttery feels and squeezes.
This is why drugs are so addicting.
Drugs induce temporary euphoria.
So do roller coasters.
So do scary movies or tearjerkers.
So does playing with your beloved pet.
Or having a sweaty wrestle with your lover.
Or startling awake from a tossing nightmare in the relieving comfort of your safe bed.
People spend their hard-earned money on and their precious time experiencing the lives of others because of the emotional impact they enjoy in temporary trade.
Professional wrestling is another perfect example. It's absolute crap these days and has been since the early 2,000's, so I'll harken back to the good ol' days of the late 90's when Duane The Rock Johnson and Stone Cold Steve Austin ruled the squared circle.
The great illusion of pro wrestling is the ability of the wrestlers to cast a spell upon you, tricking you into believing they really don't like each other and they really are trying to hurt each other for real reasons. But take that away and what you have left are two sweaty bodybuilders performing acrobatics in a predetermined 'contest' rife with bad acting.
No one cares.
What separates The Rock and Stone Cold from the crap wrestlers of today is that they found their Voice. If you know your WWF history then you know both men floundered before achieving superstar status.
Before he was The Rock, Duane Johnson debuted as Rocky Maivia.
And no one cared.
Before he was Stone Cold, Steve Austin debuted as The Ringmaster.
And no one cared.
Because nothing separated them from among the other wrestlers. They marched to the ring. Performed. Marched away. Repeat as nauseam.
Yawn.
Then one day everyone smelled what The Rock was cooking while giving a Hell Yeah!
Because The Ringmaster found his Voice and became Stone Cold.
And people cared.
Because Rocky Maivia found his Voice and became The Rock.
And people cared.
Finding your writing Voice is a personal journey, and no one can lead you there but you. Which is ironic considering the only one holding you back from finding your Voice is also you.
To toot my arrogant horn, I'm a high school drop-out who's become a #1 best-selling author because I've always applied this universal truth of life no matter how persistent the cold cruel world seeks to crush me underfoot: You never fail until you stop trying.
So keep trying, and good luck.
And remember this proven formula to writing success: (Effort + Perseverance = Results) x (Time + Patience = Voice).
Happy writing!

Saturday, November 7, 2020

Romancing the Bone . . . or the Classic Love Story Subplot Formula

Everyone yearns to love and to be loved. Such is human nature replete in all of us and therefore, so important to story for instigating reader interest, relatable upon the widest emotional scale.

The Love Story is so often the subplot of novels that most experienced readers expect it for the tasty side dish accompanying the delicious novel meal. But what is the Love Story and how do you implement it? In simplest terms (and insert your own preferred gender pronouns, though for this example we use the ol' standby) the Love Story in its most basic form equates to the following subplot formula:

Act 1: boy meets girl
Act 2A: boy gets girl
Midpoint: boy and girl have sex (or 'first kiss' for the kiddies)
Act 2B: boy loses girl
Act 3: boy gets girl back


Now let us reflect upon the classic essential minimum Basic 7 plot points all great stories possess for ease of reference:

1. Inciting Incident
2. Plot Turn 1
3. Pinch Point
4. Midpoint
5. Punch Point
6. Plot Turn 2
7. Resolution


Next we add that tasty opening Hook all readers enjoy to yank them into your story begging for more, as well we apply them to their appropriate Acts:

Act 1: Hook, Inciting Incident, Plot Turn 1
Act 2A: Pinch Point, Midpoint
Act 2B: Punch Point, Plot Turn 2
Act 3: Resolution


Then we apply a little more detail to flesh out the specific Love Story subplot while expanding upon the Basic 7 into the Lovely 9 thusly:

Act 1: Hook, Inciting Incident, Plot Turn 1
Act 2A: Pinch Point
Act 2 Breaker: Midpoint*
Act 2B Punch Point, Plot Turn 2
Act 3: Climax, Resolution

*NOTE: we've appointed the Midpoint its own category because of how important it is to the developing relationship of the Love Story as well its impact upon the characters involved. We've also added Climax before the Resolution, separating it also because of its importance.


So how to extrapolate upon the Love Story to fit your novel as its intriguing subplot? Like so:

-ACT 1-
Hook: introduce the Protagonist incomplete without love.
Inciting Incident: introduce Love Interest to Protagonist while establishing clear conflict between them.
Plot Turn 1: Protagonist and Love Interest are forced to work together toward a common goal.

-ACT 2A-
Pinch Point: hidden mutual attraction evolves into obvious sexual tension as they discover things in common while working together.

-MIDPOINT-
Breaker: they surrender to their surmounting sexual tensions and have sex, irrevocably binding them while raising the stakes not only of their relationship but also its influence upon the main story goal foreboding the shift of priorities.

-ACT 2B-
Punch Point: but their relationship jeopardizes achieving the main story goal so that the Protagonist breaks it off.
Plot Turn 2: until the despairing Protagonist realizes he can't live without her and their relationship takes precedence over achieving the main story goal.

-ACT 3-
Climax: so he risks all to win back the Love Interest in a daring display and declaration of their flourishing love which the Love Interest reciprocates (often at the cost of some personal sacrifice to the Protagonist as proof of his undying love).
Resolution: until they're together again, and their repaired relationship is stronger after enduring the adversity of their tested love.

**ALSO NOTE: this is not the only Love Interest subplot formula, obviously and because humans are complicated creatures of complex emotions, just the most simple and common. Often, such as with plenty of superhero movies, the Punch Point is instead the Protagonist realizing the Love Interest's life is in increasing danger if they remain together so he breaks their relationship off for the sake of sparing the Love Interest's life. But the Antagonist proves crafty and figures out this Protagonist weakness of heart then kidnaps the Love Interest with the intent of luring the Protagonist in for a final battle, using the Love Interest as bait (such is the classic, repeating tale of older comic books). So the Plot Turn 2 of this version then becomes the Protagonist learning of the Love Interest's kidnapping. The Climax becomes the rescue alongside the Antagonist's defeat. The Resolution is obvious: Protagonist and Love Interest together again and stronger for it all.


I'll use the bare bones of my MASTER PLOT FORMULA as example of this typical superhero Love Story subplot:

-ACT 1-
Old World Stasis: introduce incomplete-without-love Protagonist.
New World Flux: complete-opposites Protagonist and Love Interest are forced to work together.

-ACT 2A-
Things Come Together: their mutual attractions flourish into sexual tensions while they discover things in common.
False Victory: they surrender to sex.

-ACT 2B-
Things Fall Apart: fearing for Love Interest's endangered life, Protagonist ends their relationship.
False Defeat: Antagonist kidnaps Love Interest, baiting the trap to kill the Protagonist.

-ACT 3-
False Solution: Protagonist risks all rescuing Love Interest.
True Resolution: Protagonist validates his love by proving the importance of their relationship at the cost of some personal sacrifice to himself, and the Love Interest reciprocates their affections.

***ALSO-ALSO NOTE: but they don't have to hate each other right off the bat, either. The Protagonist can pine after the Love Interest from afar . . . until one day they get the opportunity to work alongside them . . . then later their relationship interferes with the main story goal so the Love Interest breaks their relationship off but ends up floundering without the Protagonist while the despairing Protagonist only wants her back . . . then they end up reuniting after some risk-alls and declarations of love and blah blah blah, you get the sappy point.


There exists a million and one ways to tweak the Classic Love Story Subplot Formula. You're a writer--be creative! And we're not finished yet, so suck in that pouty lower lip, because here's two more ways aplenty to employ the Love Story be it subplot or as the main focus:


Billy Mernit (considered the leading expert on romantic comedies; a.k.a. the guru of rom-com; MFA, screenwriter and novelist; WGA member and story analyst for Universal Pictures) defines his seven essential basic romantic comedy beats in his book 'Writing the Romantic Comedy' as follows:

1. The Chemical Equation: Setup
A scene or sequence identifying the exterior and/or interior conflict (i.e. unfulfilled desire), the “what’s wrong with this picture” implied in the protagonist’s (and/or the antagonist’s) current status quo.

2. Cute Meet: The Catalyst
The inciting incident that brings man and woman (or man and man or woman and woman) together and into conflict; an inventive but credible contrivance, often amusing, which in some way sets the tone for the action to come.

3. A Sexy Complication: Turning Point
Traditionally occurring at the end of Act 1, a new development that raises story stakes and clearly defines the protagonist’s goal; most successful when it sets man and woman at cross-purposes and/or their inner emotions at odds with the goal.

4. The Hook: Midpoint
A situation that irrevocably binds the protagonist with the antagonist (often while tweaking sexual tensions) and has further implications for the outcome of the relationship.

5. Swivel: Second Turning Point
Traditionally occurring at the end of Act 2, stakes reach their highest point as the romantic relationship’s importance jeopardizes the protagonist’s chance to succeed at his (or her) stated goad–or vice versa–and his (or her) goal shifts.

6. The Dark Moment: Crisis Climax
Wherein the consequences of the Swivel decision yield disaster; generally, the humiliating scene where private motivations are revealed, and either the relationship and/or the protagonist’s goal is seemingly lost forever.

7. Joyful Defeat: Resolution
A reconciliation that reaffirms the primal importance of the relationship; usually a happy ending that implies marriage or a serious commitment, often at the cost of some personal sacrifice to the protagonist.


When Harry Met Sally pioneered this simple yet effective format in 1989, and it worked so well that it became its own genre. One could argue that no rom-com since proven able to top the iconic hilarity of Meg Ryan’s fake orgasm, capped perfectly with, “I’ll have what she’s having.”
This rom-com template has remained essentially the same since 1989 because it's the proven tried-and-true recipe for a successful rom-com as follows:

1. Start with two people who could potentially be attracted to each other.

2. Put them in a scenario where they are likely to hate each other at first.

3. Provide them time to slowly grow on each other through burgeoning conflict as well shared interests.

4. Sprinkle in some quirky best friends, coworkers and family members who either push them closer together or pull them apart.

5. Include sharp writing and commentary on modern dating/relationships.

6. Add a wedge in their blossoming romance that forces them to rethink their interest in the other person.

7. Finally, bring on the big romantic gesture that ensures they will live happily ever after, at least until the end credits role or the last page turns.


And there you have it, multiple worthy versions of the Classic Love Story Subplot Formula ready for you to apply your creative writerly genius then inject them into your story either as the subplot or the main plot itself.
Happy matchmaking!

Saturday, October 3, 2020

Booger Teeth . . . or Nine Basic Plots For You To Pick And Chew On

The Seven Basic Plots: Why We Tell Stories, is a 2004 book by Christopher Booker containing a Jung-influenced analysis of stories and their psychological meaning. Booker worked on the book for thirty-four years.


In Climaxing the Midpoint, we dipped our left big toe just a shy into the waters of Christopher Booker’s Seven Basic Plots with the following summation:


1. Overcoming the Monster: The (good) protagonist sets out to defeat the (evil) antagonist force which threatens the protagonist and/or their homeland.

2. Rags to Riches: The poor protagonist acquires power, wealth, and/or a mate, loses it all and gains it back, growing into a changed and wiser person as a result.

3. The Quest: The protagonist and companions set out to acquire an important object or to get to a location while facing temptations and other obstacles along the way.

4. Voyage and Return: The protagonist goes to a strange land and, after overcoming the threats it poses to them, they return with experience.

5. Comedy: Light and humorous character with a happy or cheerful ending; a dramatic work in which the central motif is the triumph over adverse circumstance, resulting in a successful or happy conclusion. Though comedy is more than humor. It refers to a pattern where the conflict becomes more and more confusing, but is at last made plain in a single clarifying event. The majority of romance films fall into this category.

6. Tragedy: The protagonist’s character flaw or great mistake which is their undoing. Their unfortunate end evokes pity at their folly and the fall of a fundamentally good character.

7. Rebirth: An event forces the main character to change their ways and often become a better person.


Booker’s Seven Basic Plots are further simplified as follows:


1. Overcoming the Monster = hero and the bad guy.

2. Rags to Riches = success and crisis.

3. The Quest = seeking and finding.

4. Voyage and Return = boldly exploring.

5. Comedy = from confusion to enlightenment.

6. Tragedy = the price of fatal flaws.

7. Rebirth = finding the personal light.


*as well across these basic seven plots there is also Booker’s meta-plot, which is a five-stage plot structure of common elements.


But in actuality we left two more of his plots lounging lazy on the warm beach behind us, forgotten, because Christopher Booker proclaimed nine, not seven, basic plots, the last two of which are:


8. Mystery: An outsider to some horrendous event or drama (such as a murder) strives to discover the truth of what happened.


And . . .


9. Rebellion Against The One Above All: A hero rebels against the all-powerful entity who controls the world (or kingdom or nation or corporation or family or what have you) until said entity, The One Above All, is forced to surrender their power through submission, attrition, or death.


I’ll explain why Christopher prefers only seven of these basic nine later. For now let’s say screw the beach, dive in headfirst and explore the undersea wonderment of Booker’s Seven Basic Plots in all their detailed glory.



1. OVERCOMING THE MONSTER: (The protagonist sets out to defeat an antagonistic force—often evil—which threatens the protagonist and/or the protagonist’s homeland.)


Overcoming the Monster stories involve a hero who must destroy a monster (or villain) threatening the community. Usually the decisive fight occurs in the monster’s lair, and usually the hero possesses a rare magical weapon and/or unique ability at his disposal. Sometimes the monster guards a treasure or holds a Princess captive, which the hero escapes with in the end.


-Act 1-

Anticipation: the threat of the monster becomes known.


-Initial Driver-

The Call: the hero is called upon to confront the monster.


-Act 2-

Dream: all begins well as the hero prepares to face the monster or journeys to confront it.


-Act 3-

Frustration: coming face to face with the monster, the hero appears to be outmatched.


-Act 4-

Nightmare: the final battle with the monster, which seems hopeless for the hero.


-Final Driver-

Resolution: hero overthrows the monster, escapes (possibly with a treasure of Princess), and gains a new kingdom.


*Examples of OVERCOMING THE MONSTER Basic Plot include: Jaws, James Bond films, Beowulf.



2. RAGS TO RICHES: (The poor protagonist acquires power, wealth, and/or a mate, then loses it all and gains it back while growing as a person as a result.)


The Rags to Riches plot involves a hero who seems quite commonplace, poor, downtrodden, and miserable though possesses such potential for greatness. The story shows how he manages to fulfill his potential and becomes someone of wealth, importance, success and happiness.


-Act 1-

Initial Wretchedness. We see the hero in a humble, unhappy state.


-Initial Driver-

The Call: the hero is called into the wider world.


-Act 2-

Out Into the World: the hero enjoys initial success, gets a taste of higher status, possibly meets their true love (who is someone previously above them).


-Act 3-

Central Crisis: everything goes wrong; the hero is separated from their true love.


-Act 4-

Independence and Final Ordeal: the hero discovers his true strength and  proves it by defeating his rival.


-Final Driver-

Resolution: hero wins his true love and obtains a permanent higher status.


*Examples of RAGS TO RICHES Basic Plot include: Rocky, Cinderella, Aladdin, Great Expectations.


**Though as with many of the basic plots, there exist variations on Rags to Riches proving less upbeat:


Variation 1: FAILURE - What Christopher Booker calls the “dark” version of this story is when the hero fails to win in the end, usually because he sought to attain wealth and status for selfish reasons.


Variation 2: HOLLOW VICTORY - Christopher Booker’s second variation are stories where the hero “may actually achieve his goals, but only in a way which is hollow and brings frustration because he again has sought them only in an outward and egocentric fashion.” Another way to describe this would be a comi-tragic ending or personal failure; an outcome of success but a judgment of failure because the hero fails to resolve his inner conflict.



3. THE QUEST: (The protagonist and companions set out to acquire an important object or to achieve a specific location while facing temptations and braving other obstacles along the harrowing journey.)


The Quest stories involve a hero who embarks on a journey to obtain a great prize that is located far away.


-Act 1-

Story begins in a ‘city of destruction’ where life is intolerable or oppressive.


-Initial Driver-

The hero receives a vision or supernatural call that says the key to making things better is to go get something from far away.


-Act 2-

The Journey: hero travels to the goal, having adventures along the way, gaining helpers and encountering monsters, temptations, dangers, and the ghosts of failed questers.


-Act 3-

Arrival and Frustration: within sight of his goal, the hero finds another terrible set of obstacles to overcome.


-Act 4-

Final Ordeals: hero faces a final set of tests as well his toughest fight yet.


-Final Driver-

The Goal: hero survives and obtains the treasure, Princess, kingdom, etc . . . forever more.


*Examples of THE QUEST Basic Plot include: Raiders of the Lost Ark, Lord of the Rings (though here the goal is Losing rather than Obtaining the treasure), Monty Python and the Holy Grail.



4. VOYAGE AND RETURN: (The protagonist ventures to a strange land and, after overcoming the threats it poses or learning important lessons unique to that location, they return with experience.)


Voyage and Return stories feature a hero who journeys to a foreign world that at first seems strange but enchanting. Eventually, the hero comes to feel threatened and trapped in this world and must make a thrilling escape back to the safety of his home world. In some cases, the hero learns and grows as a result of his adventure. In others he does not, and consequently leaves behind in the other world his true love, or other opportunity for happiness.


-Act 1-

We see a hero who is bored, curious, reckless, or otherwise open to a new experience.


-Initial Driver-

Hero is transported to a strange new world without warning.


-Act 2-

Dream: hero explores the new world, finding it puzzling but fascinating.


-Act 3-

Frustration: gradually, the world becomes alarming, frustrating, oppressive, or difficult.


-Act 4-

Nightmare: a serious threat to the hero’s survival arises.


-Final Driver-

Thrilling escape and return.


*Examples of VOYAGE AND RETURN Basic Plot include: The Wizard of Oz, Back to the Future, The Lion King.



5. COMEDY: (Light and humorous character with a happy or cheerful ending; a dramatic work in which the central motif is the triumph over adverse circumstance, resulting in a successful or happy conclusion. Booker stresses that comedy is more than humor. It refers to a pattern where the conflict grows more confusing though is at last made plain in a single clarifying event. The majority of romance films fall into this category.)


Here’s where things become confusing because Comedy is defined in three ways:


1. As any story that ends happily, meaning the story goal is obtained and the main character resolves their inner conflict to satisfying conclusion.


Or a story which is still humorous or satirical while leading to two other (and often ironic) conclusions:


2. the main character resolves their inner conflict but without obtaining their story goal.


3. the main character achieves their story goal but without resolving their inner conflict.


*The latter two options are the common Tragedy result, for all Comedies, with their humor removed, are Tragedies. The second option is less tragic despite the story’s goal unresolved because the main character resolves their inner conflict, while the third option punctuates truer tragedy with unresolved inner conflict despite the story goal resolved.

Though of course an abysmal fourth option exists, one of conclusive tragedy (see below: 6. Tragedy), that of the main character failing to resolve both their story goal and inner conflict, but such is the rarest case when applied to a protagonist and is most often displayed through the antagonist as the tragic result of their refusal of character growth and steadfast obsession in contrasting opposition to the protagonist’s contradicting example of character.


Romantic Comedy presents a drama about finding true love (most often new, young lovers), and traditionally end in marriage.

Booker makes a valiant attempt at a better definition of comedy, but he refrains from applying the same plot structure to it as with the other basic plots. Instead, he loosely defines Comedy in terms of three stages:


1. The story takes place in a community where the relationships between people (and by implication true love and understanding) are under the shadow of confusion, uncertainty, and frustration. Sometimes this is caused by an oppressive or self-centered person, sometimes by the hero acting in such a way, or sometimes through no one’s fault.


2. The confusion worsens until it reaches a crisis.


3. The truth comes out, perceptions are changed, and the relationships are healed in love and understanding (and typically marriage for the hero).


*Examples of COMEDY Basic Plot include: The Naked Gun, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, The Big Lebowski, Life of Brian, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Four Weddings and a Funeral, When Harry Met Sally, Airplane!, Blazing Saddles.



6. TRAGEDY: (The protagonist is a hero with a major character flaw or great mistake which is ultimately their undoing. Their unfortunate end evokes pity at their folly and the fall of a fundamentally good character.)


Tragedy, along with Comedy, is usually defined by its ending, which makes these two unlike the other basic plots. A tragedy is a story in which the main story goal is not achieved as well the hero does not resolve his inner conflict happily.

Booker’s description of this plot is close to that of the classic tragedies (Greek, Roman, or Shakespearean).


-Act 1-

Anticipation: we start with a hero who is unfulfilled and wants more.


-Initial Driver-

Temptation: the hero finds focus in some object or desire or course of action (usually something forbidden).


-Act 2-

Dream: the hero commits to his goal and things go amazingly well for him.


-Act 3-

Frustration: gradually, things start to go wrong and the hero may resort to desperate and unwise actions that cannot be undone.


-Act 4-

Nightmare: hero loses control of the situation; forces of opposition close in on him.


-Final Driver-

Hero is destroyed in some way.


*Examples of TRAGEDY Basic Plot include: Romeo and Juliet, Anna Karenina, Citizen Kane.



7. REBIRTH: (An event forces the main character to change their ways and often become a better individual.)


Rebirth stories show a hero (often a heroine) who is trapped in a living death by a dark power or villain until she is freed by another character’s loving act. As with Comedy, Booker’s outline of this plot is sketchy.

One of the big problems with this plot is that the hero does not solve his own problem but must be rescued by someone else, and therefore can avoid resolving his inner conflict. Which is why many modern women dislike classic fairy tales: because the heroines are so passive and helpless.


-Act 1-

Hero or heroine falls under the shadow of the Dark Power.


-Act 2-

Things seem to go well at first, and the threat seems to recede.


-Act 3-

Threat returns in full force, imprisoning the hero in a state of living death.


-Act 4-

The Dark Power seems to completely triumph.


-Final Driver-

Someone miraculously rescues the hero.


*Examples of REBIRTH Basic Plot include: Pride and Prejudice, A Christmas Carol, Beauty and the Beast.



And here we are, boils and ghouls . . . the two additional basic plots Christopher Booker dislikes while viewing them as inferior, because they are less about the main character embracing his feminine side:



8. MYSTERY: (An outsider to some horrendous event or drama, such as murder, strives to discover the truth of what happened.)


-Note: Christopher provided no detailed breakdown for this basic plot (though I delve into much greater detail about the Murder Mystery plot and all it entails in my previous post: Anonymous Christie).

Booker dislikes Mysteries because the detective or investigator often has no personal connection to the characters he’s interviewing or the crime he’s investigating. Therefore, Booker argues, the detective possesses no inner conflict to resolve but for the outer plot itself.

Which may be true of many Mysteries, including plenty by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle or Agatha Christie. However, in other Mystery stories the detective harbors a personal stake in the plot, which gives rise to inner conflict—often a moral dilemma. For example: Chinatown, Murder on the Orient Express, and The Maltese Falcon.

Nonetheless, it is true that Mysteries often do not leave one with the sense that the world is totally healed (after all, innocent victims are still dead). This sets it apart from most of the basic stories—with the exception perhaps of Tragedy.


*Often what is being investigated in a Mystery is a story based on one of the other plots.


**Examples of MYSTERY Basic Plot include: And Then There Were None, The Big Sleep, Gone Girl, The Postman Always Rings Twice, In Cold Blood, The Da Vinci Code, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, The Silence of the Lambs, Shutter Island, The Girl on the Train.



9. REBELLION AGAINST THE ONE ABOVE ALL: (A hero rebels against the all-powerful entity who controls the world ((or kingdom or nation or corporation or family or what have you)) until said entity, The One Above All, is forced to surrender their power through submission, attrition, or death.)


The hero is a solitary figure who initially feels The One Above All is at fault and that he must preserve his independence or refusal to submit. Eventually, he is faced with the One’s awesome power and submits, becoming part of the rest of the world again.

In some versions, The One Above All is portrayed as benevolent, as in the story of Job, while in others the reader is left convinced it is malevolent, as in 1984 or Brazil. These darker versions seem to be what make Booker less than keen on this basic plot.

Though Booker doesn’t mention it, a common variation is to have the hero refuse to submit and essentially win against the power of The One Above All. In The Prisoner, the hero eventually earns the right to discover that The One Above All is a twisted version of himself, after which he is set free. In The Matrix, Neo’s resistance eventually leads to a better world. Another example is The Hunger Games series, where Katniss’s continued rebellion eventually leads to the downfall of both the original tyrant and his potential successor, resulting in a freer world.


*Examples of REBELLION AGAINST THE ONE ABOVE ALL Basic Plot include: The Matrix, Les Miserables, They Live, Spartacus, V for Vendetta, Red Dawn, The Patriot, Lawrence of Arabia, Star Wars: A New Hope, Braveheart.



Take note of the five key similarities (though he sometimes uses different names for Act descriptions or even no names at all, depending upon the particular plot) recurring within all of Christopher Booker’s suggested basic plots which, when you strip everything else of unique value away, leaves us with his skeletal meta-plot.

This meta-plot begins with the Anticipation Stage (punctuated by the Initial Driver) in which the hero is called to the awaiting adventure. This is followed by a Dream Stage in which the adventure begins, the hero experiences some success, and thus earns an illusion of invincibility. However, this is then followed by a Frustration Stage in which the hero endures his first confrontation with the true enemy, and the illusion of invincibility is lost. This worsens in the Nightmare Stage, which provides the climax of the plot, wherein hope is apparently lost. Finally, in the Resolution Stage, the hero overcomes his burden against the odds (punctuated by the Final Driver).


1. Anticipation: the flawed hero is called to the awaiting adventure.

2. Dream: the adventure begins, and the ignorant hero achieves some success as well gains the illusion of invincibility.

3. Frustration: the hero experiences their first devastating confrontation with the true enemy to which the illusion of invincibility shatters to vulnerability.

4. Nightmare: the failing hero’s disclosing vulnerability worsens to fragile exposure, climaxing the plot, wherein all hope is apparently lost.

5. Resolution: until the rallying hero overcomes his flaw through change and triumphs against all odds through their full potential.


*though obviously there lives darker variation here within Booker's meta-plot; see 6. Tragedy above)



The key thesis of Christopher Booker’s book (The Seven Basic Plots: Why We Tell Stories) is as follows:


“However many characters may appear in a story, its real concern is with just one: its hero. It is the one whose fate we identify with, as we see them gradually developing towards that state of self-realization which marks the end of the story. Ultimately it is in relation to this central figure that all other characters in a story take on their significance. What each of the other characters represents is really only some aspect of the inner state of the hero himself.”


Happy plotting and happy writing!


Saturday, September 5, 2020

Anonymous Christie . . . or the Classic 12-Chapter Murder Mystery Formula

No other genre in all of fiction requires more crafty planning and cunning editing backtracking than the murder mystery. Pantsing here doesn't cut the story mustard, because you must plant clues both specious and genuine, lay false tracks, incorporate suspicious suspects and beguiling dialogue, inject red herrings, bait traps and spring logical though surprising plot twists throughout your story all with the devious ploy to keep the engaged reader guessing and second-guessing until the satisfying ending revealed to which the rejoicing reader declares, “Aha! Of course! I knew it all along!”
        Sure you did.
And most of this crafty work flourishes from writing the entire story first then returning to page one and planting said clues and such with keen author hindsight during the first rewrite.
This specific 'Classic 12-Chapter Murder Mystery Formula' has been floating around the internet for years and then some. I've spent meticulous hours fondling Google's naughty search engine to no avail as to retracing the proven plot formula to the original author for due credit. It's been posted and reposted too many times for counting, and every place I've found it states the same disclaimer: they also have no idea who the original author is, though they've used it and/or know other writers who've used it to great success.
So I hereby officially dub the unknown author as “Anonymous Christie” after (obvious pun is obvious) best-selling murder mystery novelist Agatha Christie who is outsold only by the Bible and Shakespeare.
But before we delve into Anonymous Christie's Classic 12-Chapter Murder Mystery Formula, let's tickle our musing fancies with two other acclaimed mystery writers and their expert takes on the murder game.

Raymond Chandler's 10 commandments for writing a detective novel:

1. It must be credibly motivated, both as to the original situation and the denouement.

2. It must be technically sound as to the methods of murder and detection.

3. It must be realistic in character, setting and atmosphere. It must be about real people in a real world.

4. It must have a sound story value apart from the mystery element: i.e., the investigation itself must be an adventure worth reading.

5. It must have enough essential simplicity to be explained easily when the time comes.

6. It must baffle a reasonably intelligent reader.

7. The solution must seem inevitable once revealed.

8. It must not try to do everything at once. If it is a puzzle story operating in a rather cool, reasonable atmosphere, it cannot also be a violent adventure or a passionate romance.

9. It must punish the criminal in one way or another, though not necessarily by operation of the law. If the detective fails to resolve the consequences of the crime, the story is an unresolved chord and leaves irritation behind it.

10. It must be honest with the reader.

*Raymond Chandler is considered the founder of the hard-boiled school of detective fiction. The protagonist of his novels, Philip Marlowe, is synonymous with 'private detective'. At least three of Chandler's novels are regarded as masterpieces: Farewell, My Lovely (1940), The Little Sister (1949), and The Long Goodbye (1953).


Frank Gruber's Fool-proof 11-Point Formula for Mystery Short Stories:

“I (Frank) used to analyze stories. What elements were required? After a period of time I evolved a formula for mystery short stories. It consisted of eleven elements. With those eleven elements in a mystery plot, I could not miss. I used to work out each element at a time, concentrating on one until I had it licked, the going on to the next. Most writers of mysteries inject the eleven elements into their stories anyway, but by putting them down one at a time I became conscious of them. Once I had worked out these eleven elements, the job of coming up with plots for mystery stories was greatly simplified.
I did not create this 11-point formula at one time. I evolved it over a period of about two years beginning back in 1934. I had perfected it by about the middle of 1936.
To this day I claim that this plot formula is foolproof. You can write a perfectly salable mystery story with perhaps only seven or eight of these elements, but get them all into a story and you cannot miss. Here are the eleven elements:

1. HERO
--A hero must be colorful. He must have an occupation that is colorful or he must be a colorful person. In general, I have followed the theory that a regular policeman or detective is not colorful. Just think a moment about the greatest detective in all detective fiction - Sherlock Holmes - and you will quickly grasp what I mean by colorful.

2. THEME
--This, to me, is the most important element of any mystery story plot. By theme I mean subject matter, what the story is about in addition to, over and above, the ACTUAL MURDER plot.
To illustrate: “Death and the Main” is about fighting cocks. I give a reasonably inside account of how gamecocks are raised, how they are fought, etc. This is knowledge not possessed by the average reader and believe me, I did not know it until I read up on the subject, for the purpose of this story.
My book, The Lock & the Key, was about locksmiths. A liberal education in making locks and keys was thrown into the murder plot. I knew absolutely nothing about locks and keys until I did research on the subject. I know no more than is in the book.
If you have ever read Dorothy Sayers' excellent English mysteries, you will find that THEME figures superbly. In The Nine Tailors, the reader earns all about church bells, the art of bell-ringing, etc. In Murder Must Advertise, Miss Sayres discusses advertising in all its phases.
However . . . knowledge of a subject should be used sparingly. The mystery reader may not be as interested in the subject as you are.

3. VILLAIN
--Let's face it, the hero of detective fiction is a Superman. The villain must therefore be a super-Superman or have plenty of assistants. The odds must ALWAYS be against the hero.

4. BACKGROUND
--The story must be played against a colorful or unusual background. The streets of a big city are not necessarily colorful. If they're not, make them so.

5. MURDER METHOD
--Here again, the “unusual” should be considered. Shooting, stabbing, etc. are acceptable, but the circumstances surrounding them should be “unusual.”

6. MOTIVE
--Actually, there are only two reasons for murder - hate and greed, but there are many subdivisions of these and the motive should be as unusual as possible.

7. CLUE
--Somewhere in the story there must be a clue for the alert reader. Sure, try to fool the reader, but the clue must be there if the reader should want to check back on you after the story is over.

8. TRICK
--In the grand finale, when all seems lost, when the hero cannot possibly win out, he must snatch victory from apparent defeat. By a trick . . . and here the word “unusual” applies.

9. ACTION
--The story must have pace and movement. It must not consist of talk, talk, talk, about the missing button, etc.

10. CLIMAX
--A grand, smashing climax is necessary. Unusual.

11. EMOTION
--The hero should be personally involved in some manner. He should be doing this over and beyond the simple call of duty, or beyond the money paid him for doing it.”

*Frank Gruber sold over 300 stories to the pulps, as well penned his name to over 60 novels and over 200 television and film scripts.


The classic murder mystery is popular fiction which follows a specific formula for good reason--because it works!
Here below, Anonymous Christie's 12-Chapter Murder Mystery Formula serves both the classic and modern mystery novel.
A typical story contains 60,000 to 65,000 words and is divided into 12 chapters like so:

ACT 1: INTRODUCTION OF THE CRIME (MURDER MYSTERY) AND THE SLEUTH.

-Chapter 1-

A. Disclose the crime and mystery to be solved. The crime must capture the imagination. It should be committed in an extraordinary way and either the victim, the perpetrator, or both, must be unusual. Provide the reader enough information about the victim to make them truly care that the perpetrator is found and justice served.

B. Early in the story, reveal clues suggesting both physical and psychological aspects of the initial crime. These clues should point to suspects and motive which will carry the sleuth (protagonist) to the end of Act 1. Some clues should point the sleuth in the right direction, others not so obvious, or recognized as factual clues until later in the story.

C. Introduce the sleuth who will solve the crime early, and have him or her do or say something clever or unexpected to establish them as unique. Create this sleuth character with care, and with an engaging personality to sustain the reader's interest to the last page (or throughout an entire series of books). It is not necessary to disclose all aspects of the sleuth’s personality at the onset. Allow the description to unfold gradually while sustaining reader interest. Reveal enough background so the reader understands the world in which the sleuth functions (Small town sheriff, Scotland Yard detective, Pinkerton agent in the old West, country squire, investigative reporter in New York City, etc . . .).

D. Ground the reader in the time and place where the crime occurs. It is often useful to include some sort of symbol, an object or a person, in the opening scene which serves as a metaphor for what occurs in the story. The reappearance of this symbol throughout and especially at the conclusion of the story creates a certain organic unity; pepper it in, but not so much as to make it flagrant. Subtly works best.

E. Begin with a dramatic event. Some writers offer a prologue describing the execution of the crime in detail, as it occurs, possible from the point of view of the victim or perpetrator. The same information could also be revealed by a character through dialogue. Furnish sufficient details to allow the reader to experience the event as though he or she were actually there as witness. Another good opening is to place the sleuth in a dire situation and allow choice details of the crime to unfold in due course.


-Chapter 2-

A. Set the sleuth on the path toward solving the murder mystery. Offer plausible suspects, all of whom appear to possess logical motives, means and opportunity to commit the unique crime. Select the most likely suspects and have the sleuth question them. One of these suspects will turn out to be the actual perpetrator.

B. At the approximate mid-point of Act 1, something occurs which clarifies to the reader the crime is more complicated than originally thought. Provide hints so the reader can envision possibilities not yet known to the sleuth.


-Chapter 3-

A. Introduce the sub-plot. The main plot continues the progress of the story while the sub-plot carries the theme, which is a universal concept to which the reader identifies. Sub-plots tend to originate either in a crisis in the sleuth’s private life, or in the necessity of the sleuth to face a dilemma involving a matter of character, such as courage or honesty.

B. The ultimate resolution of the sub-plot demonstrates change or growth on the part of the sleuth, and will climax on a personal or professional level. That climax may coincide with, or occur as prelude to the climax of the main plot. The sub-plot may provide a vehicle for a romantic interest or a confrontation with personal demons of the sleuth. The author can manipulate the pace of the novel by moving back and forth between the main plot and sub-plot.


ACT 2: DIRECT THE INVESTIGATION TOWARD A CONCLUSION WHICH LATER PROVES ERRONEOUS.

-Chapter 4-

A. Reveal facts about suspects through interrogations and the discovery of clues.

B. Flight, or disappearance of one or more suspects.

C. Develop a sense of urgency. Raise the stakes or make it evident that if the mystery is not solved soon then terrible consequences are unavoidable.


-Chapter 5-

A. Broaden the investigation to place suspicion on other characters.

B. Information gathered through interviews or the discovery of physical evidence should point toward the solution, although the relevance may not yet be apparent.


-Chapter 6-

A. Reveal the sleuth’s background while the sub-plot develops. Show the reader what drives them, what haunts or is missing in their life.

B. Establish the sleuth possesses a personal stake in the outcome, either because of threat to their life, or the possibility of revelation of matters deeply disturbing to them on an emotional level.


ACT 3: CHANGE OF FOCUS AND SCOPE OF INVESTIGATION.
*This is the pivotal point in the story where it becomes evident that the sleuth hunted down the wrong track. Something unexpected occurs, such as the appearance of a second body, the death of a major suspect, or discovery of evidence which clears the most likely suspect. The story must take a new direction.

-Chapter 7-

A. Reveal hidden motives. Formerly secret relationships come to light, such as business arrangements, romantic involvements, unsettled scores or previously veiled kinships.

B. Develop and expose meanings of matters hinted at in Act 1 to slowly clarify the significance of earlier clues.


-Chapter 8-

A. The sleuth reveals the results of the investigation. The reader, as well the sleuth and other characters, are afforded an opportunity to review what is known and assess the possibilities.

B. The solution of the crime appears to be impossible. Attempts to solve the crime have stymied the sleuth. Misinterpretation of clues or mistaken conclusions have lead them in the wrong direction, and logic is applied to force a new way of grasping an understanding of the uncertainties.


-Chapter 9-

A. The sleuth reviews the case to determine where they went wrong.

B. Reveal the chain of events which provoked the crime.

C. The crucial evidence is something overlooked in Act 1, which appeared as of little consequence at the time of initial disclosure. This crucial evidence takes on new meaning with information disclosed in Act 3.

D. The sleuth (and perhaps the reader, if a keen observer) becomes aware of the error which remains undisclosed to the other characters.


ACT 4: SOLUTION.

-Chapter 10-

A. The sleuth weighs the evidence and information gleaned from the other characters.

B. Based on what only they now know, the sleuth seeks positive proof to reinforce the yet undisclosed conclusion.


-Chapter 11-

A. Resolution of the sub-plot.

B. The sleuth, tested by their private ordeal, is strengthened for the final action leading to the actual solution of the murder mystery.


-Chapter 12-

A. The climax; a dramatic confrontation between the sleuth and the perpetrator in which the sleuth prevails. The more impossible the odds, the more rewarding the climax.

B. Resolution; revelation of clues and the deductive process leading to the stunning solution. Establish that the case has been solved and justice served to the satisfaction of all involved (except, of course, the perpetrator).


Well there you have it, folks. Anonymous Christie's 12-Chapter Murder Mystery Formula . . . and then some.
Happy writing!

Saturday, August 1, 2020

Steamy Brown Coils and Vibrating Boners . . . or Why Your Writing Sucks and How to Fix It


“I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.” —Mark Twain.

His point?
Strong writing is lean writing.
Because writing is 10% writing and 90% rewriting.
That’s a fact of fiction you can’t skirt round no matter how well you navigate.
Either deal with it or find a new profession.
Because nobody’s first draft of anything is great.
Which is why Ernest Hemingway said, “The first draft of everything is shit” for good reason.
Because it’s true.
For all of us.
Yeah yeah, I know I know. You’re the exception to the rule because you’re a genius tortured artist—at least that’s how you want everyone to think of you—and passion fuels the wild abandon of your glorious muse while you write and, of course, editing anything you’ve already penned to page is intolerable blasphemy because such abuse will dull its brilliant artistic flare.
Hold on a sec while I take a trip back to the 80’s so I can gag myself with a spoon.
Get over yourself, because you’re not a genius tortured artist, and corrective editing only improves your writing. There’s nothing special about you. You’re the same as the rest of us insignificant bipedal monkeys. Only you enjoy writing interesting lies and calling them stories.
But don’t get all bunched in the swampy crotch because your first drafts are steamy brown coils. All of our first drafts are steamy brown coils. That’s where rewriting and editing come in.
But first adhere to one of the three golden rules of assured excellent writing: Write First, Edit Last (the other two rules of this holy trinity are: Show Don’t Tell; and: Omit Needless Words; the three partake in manaja twa).
Now that we have the ‘write first’ part out of the way and your turd of a first draft is finished, it’s time to take out our mental knives and perform some editing surgery via mass deletion.
I’m assuming you use a computer to write instead of a literal pen and paper because it’s not 1830 and digital typewriters exists. Load up that steamy brown coil you call a first draft and hit CTRL + F. Welcome to Microsoft Word’s ‘Find and Replace’ pop-up box (this is assuming you use Microsoft Word, of course, which you should), your best editing friend. Click Replace, type the specific words below into the ‘Find what’ box, then type ??? into the ‘Replace with’ box. Now grit your teeth, swallow your fragile ego, and click Replace All.
After your brutal editing butchery you then begin your first draft’s first rewrite by restructuring your ???-containing sentences.
So what are these specific pesky words requiring mass deletion and why should you bother?

1. Seem (seems, seemed).
-Seem in all its forms is awful. Either something is or it isn’t. Seems implies insecure writing and indefinite description because you’re avoiding explicit depiction for vague suggestion. The wind seemed to wail and moan through the swaying willows? No! Either the wind wailed and moaned or it didn’t. Stop being so damn dubious and just tell us the damn information already. If you’re unsure then I’m unsure, and unsure writing gets tossed for a better book, because using Seem is similar to asking that indecisive loved one we tolerate by thinnest margin, “Where do you want to eat tonight?” and their constant reply as always: “I don’t know, where do you want to eat?” Ugh! Precise writing bleeds confidence, and confidence inspires respect. If you wish to gain a better fix on the Seem annoyance then take a favorite scene you’ve written and insert Seem before every one of your character’s physical actions. Now read it over, and after you’ve finished throwing up you’ll understand why Seem in all its forms is so irritating and ridiculous.

2. Started/Began
-Characters Start or Begin all the time in bad writing. He started hearing. She began thinking. Blah blah bleh blah! Only have a character Start or Begin something if it’s a physical action interrupted. (example: Eliza started walking away—until Mark snagged her to halt by the arm.) Otherwise someone either does something or they don’t.

3. Suddenly/Abruptly
-Actions happen in real time because that’s what actions do and why they exist, which makes Suddenly and Abruptly redundant. Whether I punch you in the face or Suddenly/Abruptly punch you in the face, it happens the same either way—fast and painful. An easy method to imply how ‘Suddenly or Abruptly’ an action happens is to provide it its own paragraph. Also, picture a slamming door. Does the door take several minutes to slam shut? Of course not! Suddenly/Abruptly is implied by the action verb imposing upon the noun. ‘The door suddenly slammed shut’ vs. ‘the door slammed shut’ is redundant because ‘slammed’ already ensures you know the action is performed Suddenly/Abruptly.

4. Really/Very
-Both present vague description better replaced by stronger words. Very big? No! Instead use Colossal or Gigantic or Substantial, or a hundred other available synonyms. Really small? No! Instead use Tiny or Minuscule or Insignificant, or a hundred other available synonyms. Thesauruses exist for good reason.

5. Felt/Saw/heard
-Injecting character filters is bad writing and worse description. Bad writers use them because good writing is hard work. Stop being lazy. And stop having your characters feeling or seeing or hearing something indirectly to the Reader and just describe it already directly. Character filters also interfere with Show Don’t Tell because you’re Telling us what’s happening through the filtering senses of a character instead of Showing us what’s happening round and to them.

6. Would Be Able To
-This passive voice 2x4 swung upside your head is simple to remedy: replace it with Could. ‘Nuff said.

7. Stuff/Things
-Even more vague than Really and Very. Describe the ‘stuff’ or the ‘things’ instead, because if you don’t care enough to describe it then we don’t care enough to read it. As well when you tell us Stuff or Things clutter a table, we can’t imagine it, or we do but not what you’ve intended. Be specific or don’t waste our time. We bought your novel to fill our imagination for us, not write your story for you.

8. Like . . .
-Never use Like similes because better description always exists, as well 99% of Like similes provide their own redundancies and breed cliches (they fought like cats and dogs; he slept like a log; her eyes shined like the stars; etc . . . Stop comparing and start showing. *Also note the poor As-As replacement for Like similes: as sweet as honey; as strong as an ox; as blind as a bat; as cold as ice; etc . . .).

9. Had
-The main problem with Had is repetition (as well it implies actions already performed and thus static instead of current). Often a character will reflect upon a particular past event because you wish to insert some backstory, and to ensure you know the Reader knows it’s backstory you inject Hads all over the place and into every sentence for the entire paragraph . . . or worse for multiple paragraphs. And therein lies your crucial mistake. Instead, either leave Had out altogether or put it in the first sentence only then leave out the rest of your Hads because the first Had provides enough to imply past reflection throughout the remainder of said reflection: ‘Donnie Limper remembered the day he had broken his leg. He had run home from school, had slipped his foot into a snakehole, and had twisted his ankle something fierce before he had tumbled and snapped his leg.’ Yuck! And much better: ‘Donnie Limper remembered the day he had broken his leg . . . running home from school, his foot slipped into a snakehole and twisted his ankle something fierce before he tumbled and snapped his leg.’

10. Was (were)
-I wrote an entire blog on this terrible passive poison in Irritating Pricks. It’s the #1 killer of great fiction so I placed it here at #10 because I’m unpredictable that way. Was is poison to almost every sentence it infects. Delete it at all costs and learn to restructure your sentences without it and I guarantee your writing will improve beyond measure.


“Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very’; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.” —also Mark Twain

Get with the times, Marky Mark, because nowadays ‘damn’ is not the page-stopper it used to be. Neither is the F word rhyming with Luck, but Mr. Twain has a point.
Weak words diminish the value of your writing. Poor words possess better alternatives. And bad words are prime candidates for deletion.
We tend to write how we speak, such is natural, and some of us don’t speak ‘damn’ well. Let alone the plethora of state-of-being verbs rampant in passive-voice writing (Is, Am, Are, Was, Were, Be, Being, Been, Have, Has, Had, Do, Does, Did, Shall, Will, Should, Would, May, Might, Must, Can, Could) though you won’t rid your writing of them all, nor should you, but delete as many possible while restructuring your sentences with stronger words.
Asides the 100 most common used words in the English language (a, about, all, also, and, as, at, be, because, but, by, can, come, could, day, do, even, find, first, for, from, get, give, go, have, he, her, here, him, his, how, I, if, in, into, it, its, just, know, like, look, make, man, many, me, more, my, new, no, not, now, of, on, one, only, or, other, our, out, people, say, see, she, so, some, take, tell, than, that, the, their, then, there, these, they, thing, think, this, those, time, to, two, up, use, very, want, way, we, well, what, when, which, who, will, with, would, year, you, your) us writers repeat a whole slew of words with mad abandon and through habitual practice.
Some of them are useless filler words (that, just, only, really, slightly, almost, seemed, perhaps, maybe, simply, somehow, absolutely, basically, actually, now, sort of, kind of, a little, very) best deleted or replaced.
Some are vague in their weak description (big or small, good or bad) or create redundancies (actual fact, add an additional, added bonus, advance preview, basic fundamental, basic necessities, brief summary, circulate around, close proximity, collaborate together, during the course of, each and every, end result, exact same, gather together, integrate together, introduce for the first time, lag behind, may possibly, new beginning, new innovation, past experience, reason why, revert back, separated apart, still remains, truly sincere, unexpected surprise, unintentional mistake, usual custom, whether or not).
Respect your readers by honing your craft.
Because if you don’t care then we won’t care.


Bonus Round: AND STOP WRITING OUT CHARACTER ACCENTS!
Seriously.
Just stop it already.
I know you think you’re being cute and clever but you’re not.
I could write an entire book on how irritating having to read through a character’s paragraphing accent spelled phonetically is.
I’m in the middle of an engaging scene, my imagination is waxing fantastic, my heart’s racing, my boner’s vibrating and—
You see what I did there?
My ‘vibrating boner’ just killed your reading pace.
Because it’s jarring.
And so too most readers cannot stand having to read a character’s accent ad nauseam. A ‘muh’ instead of ‘my’ or ‘yew’ instead of ‘you’ and so on and so forth.
Ugh.
Here, you try:

Henry said, “Yeh, but muh Pappaw said heeduv went tuh thuh store an fetched thuh milk hisself but fer thuh wagon’s busted wheel an thuh herses need sum new shooing. An on toppa that he canna walk on accounta hiss swelled foot frum thuh rains so he axed me tuh fetch it fer him. Yew unt to come? I cud yews thuh cumpnee.”

Did you understand even half of what Henry said?
I don’t either and I typed it!
That’s an exaggerated example, mind, but my point’s proven.
Instead of phonetically spelling your character’s ‘charming’ accent out every annoying time they speak, describe it as possessing a southern Texas twang or that their S’s stretch a bit overlong or they roll their R’s or possess a lisp or what have you, then continue typing their dialogue as normal. Or if you must, provide an example of their accent through an opening sentence or two then allow its suggestion to carry us along while you type out the rest of their aberrant speech as normal.
Because abnormal speech kills reading pace.
It jars and slogs and slows because our jolted brains aren’t used to reading such abnormal dialogue. Hearing it is one thing, reading it another.
Spelling out a character’s accent is similar to the infamous example of a character ‘ejaculating’ their speech, or my vibrating boner.
Don’t.
Just don’t.
And Happy Writing!


Your Own Writing Phrase Book . . . or why it's good to steal from better writers!

I try to always keep a notebook by my side whenever I'm reading, and I suggest you should too. Because you never know when you're go...